Tuesday, July 26

mighty morphin' kristin... a poorly titled, deeply personal entry of the sort I usually avoid

I am at a crossroads, and I can either do something, or wait for the next one. Leave the cemetary after twenty years, or continue playing chess with the ghosts.

So at this crossroads, I can either continue as I have been for the past two years, the college years, overweight, lazier than ever before, more antisocial than ever before, hating school, hating what school has turned me into, and not writing nearly as much as I would like. Or, I can take the turn and become the person I wanted to become after graduating high school:

*a person who is normal in the sense of having a job, being productive, and sleeping at normal, human hours
*who is unique in most other regards
*who is healthy and fit
*who enjoys wearing fun clothes
*who writes on a regular basis
*who has hobbies
*who is introverted but not so antisocial as to be depressed about it

This is what I was when I graduated from high school, two years ago. Of course I was nowhere near perfect (who is?), but compared to what I am now, anything is better. Right now... this summer, this fall... I am changing. I'm going to get back on the track I was on before, I'm going to follow it, and I'm going to be the ideal Kristin. Oh, I've said this before. How can I know it will work this time? Because I will make detailed lists, which I will look at every day, and because I'm miserable as is.

This has got me to thinking: I hate what the past two years have turned me into, and while I really want to just obliterate the whole college experience, there have been good parts as well. In my mind, Dan is barely connected with any of it, which sounds strange because he was there through it all, more than anyone else. Dan is for keeping. Becoming pagan, I think, would have happened either way, since I based the decision on beliefs I thought about long and hard. My love of Nick at N*te, while detrimental to my grades and attempts at normal sleeping hours, is worth keeping because I've always appreciated good humor, and anyways, I'm living off-campus and no longer have cable access.

And then there are good experiences that could have been better. Just this year I went on two trips to New York state; I went to Wellspring in May (still haven't posted that draft entry) and a family reunion earlier this month. On both occasions, I missed having an awesome time just by not participating as much as I could have. Living in the dorms... I could have done the lame events they put out. They probably weren't spectacular events, but you know, I could have done them instead of sitting in my room. I could have hung out more with my suitemates (not freshman year so much, but last year) instead of sitting at my computer, doing something I don't even remember, reading articles I barely cared about in the first place.

That was mildly therapeutic.


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