of necessary evils
Sometimes I forget what an emotional person I am, and how prone I am (used to be?) to changing moods. My flaws have become an irritation rather than the cause of mental anguish. I can now shrug off others' bad opinions of me, or stray comments that at one point would have sent me crying. I've even learned when to say "screw you," if not to someone's face, then at least in acknowledgement that their opinion doesn't matter. Thank you, Dan, for that. Hardened, but not desensitized, I can choose when something should matter to me, and when it shouldn't. Any tears I have can be saved for real sadness instead of pathetic whining, though I still worry too much. In general, I've grown happier.
Earlier this week, I knew very well that this wouldn't be a good morning. Waking early is not a Kristin-compatible activity, particularly not when said waking early is done in order to go to the gynecologist.
Tired and a bit jittery, I spent the car ride to Attleboro in nervous anticipation of what promised to be a fairly uncomfortable appointment. Doctors' offices are something I could do without. The silence, the sterility, the instruments... all combine to form an experience I absolutely loathe. I've learned to live with the routine dentist and eye doctor appointments, but this hate of doctors' offices compounded with my fear of this particular office, and I ended up so nervous that I could barely sleep last night.
As it turned out, my fear was disproportionate to the actual experience. Yet after it was over there was something about it, something not entirely palpable, that left me feeling like I needed to cry. I held it in during the hour drive home, rubbing my eyes and complaining of dryness, but in my room, just now, I've broken down.
Was it the enviroment or the instruments? Being told I need to exercise more? Being nervous and tired? The bloodwork and the ultrasound I have scheduled for next week? The impersonal manner of talking about very personal subjects?
What it was, I don't know. But I now remember all the mood swings I used to have, and all the crying I used to do over... what?
Earlier this week, I knew very well that this wouldn't be a good morning. Waking early is not a Kristin-compatible activity, particularly not when said waking early is done in order to go to the gynecologist.
Tired and a bit jittery, I spent the car ride to Attleboro in nervous anticipation of what promised to be a fairly uncomfortable appointment. Doctors' offices are something I could do without. The silence, the sterility, the instruments... all combine to form an experience I absolutely loathe. I've learned to live with the routine dentist and eye doctor appointments, but this hate of doctors' offices compounded with my fear of this particular office, and I ended up so nervous that I could barely sleep last night.
As it turned out, my fear was disproportionate to the actual experience. Yet after it was over there was something about it, something not entirely palpable, that left me feeling like I needed to cry. I held it in during the hour drive home, rubbing my eyes and complaining of dryness, but in my room, just now, I've broken down.
Was it the enviroment or the instruments? Being told I need to exercise more? Being nervous and tired? The bloodwork and the ultrasound I have scheduled for next week? The impersonal manner of talking about very personal subjects?
What it was, I don't know. But I now remember all the mood swings I used to have, and all the crying I used to do over... what?
1 Comments:
The nail-biting resolution was actually a left-over from October. Fall is my real new year, when I truly feel that I'm starting over. My nail-biting is now a weekly happening, as opposed to a daily one, so I failed in a sense, but came closer to the goal as well. I mostly remade the resolution so that at the end of the year I can flaunt it and say that I actually kept it, unlike those with the vague resolutions or the typical American failed resolution of "lose weight." That said, what's NLP?
If I remember, next coffee night I will ask about space/ time beliefs. I am a philosophy major, and as such I like to philosophize. Just as long as you don't morph into stupid fat girl who never changes her clothes and is capable of turning a good point into a bad one. Uhhh no... that wasn't a reference to anyone stupid I know. Of course not. :)
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